Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
