Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
