I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
