You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
someone owes me an orgasm
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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