Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
