saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
