I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
