I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
