...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
