My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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