I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
