i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
