my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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