There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Randomize
