I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
