So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
