You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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