You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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