I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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