went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
