I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
