It's like a parade of train wrecks.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
