Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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