I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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