sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
