He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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