hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
