i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
