If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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