She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
