I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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