If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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