Your mouth is God's brothel.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
