I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
