Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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