I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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