I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i believe in u and ur pee
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
