dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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