i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
