Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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