Please, let me fuck your mom
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
