We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
