I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
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