If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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