omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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