i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
pray to the hookup gods
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
