atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
