The maid of honor just puked.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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