Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
