You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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